Coping and Overbooking

In keeping with my goals, I have successfully completed "at least two posts a month", but recently my Thursday (blog day !!) has been overbooked and I have felt incredibly sporadic in my posting. I do apologize for the four viewers that have noticed. ;)

Regardless, it's been a crazy week. I feel like every minute of my day is booked solid. When I'm not in class, I'm planning or studying for class. When I'm not in PT, I'm cross training or lifting heavy. When I'm not at work, I'm with my friends. Don't get me wrong, this is all phenomenal and I truly enjoy being busy, busy, but sometimes, I wished I was good at relaxing. I've always been told I need to learn how to relax, but I've always been miserable when I've tried. Even coloring or yoga stressed my younger self out; this is a concept I've cover a ton in my therapy sessions. Sometimes I fear I am a broken record and we're only ever going to go in circles about why I feel the need to be so busy, and why I can't relax, and why I'm working so much now that I can't think. There are a lot of interesting coping mechanisms out there, and I guess mine is overbooking myself to the point of exhaustion. I know, not very sustainable.

The hardest part about this quirky coping technique is that I love everything I am doing. In fact, there are so many more things that I want to do and have had to force myself to ignore because I know it would really, truly be past my breaking point. It's very interesting and definitely a weak spot to improve in the future. I get the feeling this will be a continuous goal of mine.

The other hard part of self-sabotaged burnout is that you constantly feel drained. I want to hang out with my friends, I would love to go ice skating or go see a movie, but unfortunately, I'm scheduled through April, and I already have plans for my entire summer. When I do find the time to be with the people I love, I feel guilty that they aren't getting my full attention- that I'm either working on homework, trying to work on homework, or thinking about the homework I need to finish. Maybe this is just a phase, and one day I'll miss it, but it all feels so arbitrary. So unnecessary. Why do I spend so gosh darn long on my schoolwork, only to not get the mark I want, and then start the process over again? Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm still in my trial era. My, "are you good enough? prove it." era where I need to be this standout Barbie who can maintain all these extras in order to get into the dental school that I want. I envy my friends who are focused on learning the skills that they will apply in their professions. Meanwhile, I am sure a patient will one day ask me to label the hydrophilic and hydrophobic regions of a chosen protein. I completely understand the why, but undergrad feels like a simulation. Like an elongation of high school but instead of competing with myself to get into a college with a 90+% acceptance rate, I need to be competition against thousands of applicants for a 4% accepted school. It's a lot.

And it's hard to trust the process. It's so hard to watch myself belittle my own hard work. It's something, again, to work on. As I begin to approach my first exam, I feel lost. I don't know how to study for this test. I don't know the professor's style, and I'm honestly not sure I know anything at all in terms of content. But worst of all, I don't know if I'm ready. Actually, I do know- I am not ready. Not ready for the semester to be halfway over, or for my labs to start taking the full-time block, and certainly not ready to think about the DAT and how to apply for the military and which schools I want to apply to. My dad always tells me to write a list and break it down into the smallest denominator, but lately my smallest list is a confusing, overwhelming disaster.

In a vain attempt to keep this short, I'll end here. These are the thoughts running through my mind today. The virtual diary is out and about and perhaps I will go write down a list- a very long list, and work at it little by little.

I also want to set a small affirmative goal: I am enough, and I will continue to prove I am by moving with grace towards my future. This week I want to focus on confidence- I'm sick of the imposter syndrome that my brain has made up. I'll update in a week, but for now enjoy this two in one.

xx

Beka