An Injured Athlete

In the mind of an athlete, there are many tabs opened. Constantly. Or perhaps it's just my mind, but always, without fail I have always been able to escape with the help of sport. In high school, I played volleyball, basketball, and softball and track and field. In college, I chose to pursue Cross Country and Track and Field at a DII University.

I had never run cross before, but I spent fall of freshman year training with the cross team. Though I only ran a 3-mile race and a 5k, I fell in love with the team and the sport of running. As I began to train for indoor track season I was halted by a random pain at the front ball of my foot, under my big toe. I went to the athletic trainer and was diagnosed with "sesamoiditis" aka inflammation of the sesamoid bone. It's silly since this is a vestigial bone that most people don't even have, but it was proving to be a deep challenge and shortened my racing distance to 400s and 600s exclusively (I am an 800m runner by heart). Thankfully my coach is very familiar with this injury and actually broke hers while running collegiately. Alas, during outdoor, between personal "character development" if you will and an opportunity to study abroad in San Salvador, The Bahamas during the Championship season of track, I was only able to run one 1500, one 800, and a few 4x400s. Not what I was expecting for the season. I wasn't too sad though and will be forever grateful I took a chance and that I was fully supported by my friends, family, teammates, and especially coaches.

Upon my return to the States, I jumped right into summer training: long runs on Lake Walk, speed work, and tempos became my new goal. However, this silly sesamoid bone again stalled my progress and we had to take many days off and adjust workouts. And it paid off! Cross country is such a thrilling sport to compete in, and I grew more confident in my abilities to embody a true "college runner." I felt strong, my first 5k was faster than last season's 3-mile race, and I was seeing real progress in my strength and conditioning. I finished out the season and gladly took two weeks off to give my body rest and recovery before again training for indoor season.

As I started running again, even easy jogs were really bothering my foot and I felt the warning signs- I did not want it to get to the level of pain I experienced last indoor. I went to our veteran athletic trainer and together we decided we needed to get it x-rayed, to make sure we were covering all the bases. Unfortunately, the x-rayed showed that my bone is broken in half and that one of the halves has a fractured splinter coming off of it. Well... what now??

I immediately received Cortisol shots mixed with Lidocaine, a prescription for orthotics, and a definite "N.O." to running anytime soon. But on the flip, it's been "broken for awhile." I've been fully running on a broken bone in my foot for God knows how long, and granted it wasn't always a comfortable run, but I was doing what I loved. I never expected to miss a sport this much, especially not running which has always been an extremely tough and anxiety ridden sport for me. In my last therapy session, we spent 3/4 of it talking about what the season would look like and if I would be okay if there wasn't a season to be had.

I'm mostly confused. I don't know how to feel. I'm upset that I can't run. I'm even more upset that I'm falling into bad habits that I thought I was well over (ie: eating disorders, anxious thoughts, and an outrageous fear of missing out). I'm scared for what the future holds or perhaps what it lacks; when will I be able to run again? My coach tells me to keep the faith and trust the process. It's really hard to see the process. Nothing is in black and white, and nobody has any answers, me included. It's hard to be around my teammates as they work out because, even though everyone is super supportive of me and my recovery, I wished I was out there running with them.

So, what now? Well, to keep it blatantly plain, I've been lifting. A lot. I also spend a lot of time on the bike and would credit it as the main cause to my recent book obsession. I go to Physical Therapy three times a week; we do ultrasound therapy and strengthening exercises mostly. I get fit for custom orthotics tomorrow. I've made myself meal plans to ensure that I don't skip meals and have added protein powder to most of my meals. (we're trying to get big after all). I'm focusing on school and trying to feel like I'm doing okay. There's a lot of thoughts, but maybe this will be a blessing in a grotesque disguise.

I will update as I learn more, since now my life will be an open book apparently. If you've made it this far, you deserve a pat on the back. I appreciate you.

xx

Beka